


Glass Bridge

by moon_star



Series: Eclipse [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band), YG Entertainment | YG Family
Genre: Angst and Feels, Heartbreak, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 23:55:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16439246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moon_star/pseuds/moon_star
Summary: Seungri wishes he could be where he is, right there with him, right now.He wishes he could hug him.He wishes he could sooth him.“But, Seungri-ah,” he hears him say and he can hear the lump in his throat, and he wishes he wasn’t the cause of it. “I was alone, too.”





	Glass Bridge

**Author's Note:**

> Real quick:
> 
> When i posted this, i forgot to state that i took the title from the song, 'Glass Bridge' by Savina & Drones.
> 
> x,

I needed you.  
And you needed better.

-unknown.

 

“How are you?” he hears him ask over the phone.

And Seungri’s knees go weak.

“Are you doing well?”

Seungri falls to the ground of his hotel room as the floor moves underneath him.

“Is it cold over there?”

Seungri’s mouth goes completely dry.

“Are you staying warm?”

Seungri’s lips tremble.

“Were you able to visit the Rijksmuseum?”

Seungri’s heart stops.

He is calling because he knows.

He is calling because he’s heard.

He is calling because someone told him.

He is calling because he wants answers.

He is calling because Seungri is too much of a coward to call him himself first.

“Seungri-ah,” Jiyong says, his voice heavier than Seungri has heard it in years.

Seungri’s heart is chocking. And _his_ heart is breaking and it’s all Seungri’s fault.

He doesn’t know what to say.

He doesn’t know how to fix this, if there’s even fixing, if Jiyong will even let him fix this.

“Okay,” Jiyong says, clearing his throat. “I’ll go first.”

Seungri doesn’t want him to go first, he doesn’t want any of this to happen because it makes it real, it makes it true, it makes it permanent.

“I’m sorry I left,” he says. “I’m sorry I left you alone, but you know it wasn’t my fault. You know it wasn’t my choice.”

Seungri knows, he knows.

Jiyong left because he had to. Serving in the military isn’t a choice, it is a duty; a duty no male in the country escapes. Not even, Jiyong. _Especially_ , Jiyong. If he had not enlisted for service due to his ankle, he would have been talked about, harassed, disparaged, he would have gotten so much hate, so much more than he already gets. He is serving with an injured ankle for which he had to get surgery and people are still down his throat. Seungri knows this situation hurts Jiyong and it hurts Seungri, too.

“I’m sorry that I left you alone,” he hears him say and Seungri knows this is hard for him and he wants him to stop, but he can’t make himself talk. “You must have felt so alone.”

Seungri did.

He felt so alone without him.

He felt so hurt without him.

Seungri had been sleepless nights, empty beds, full plates, long drives, and empty bottles without him. Every single part of their house had Jiyong written all over it. Every single thing in their house smelled of him, of them. It was so hard to be home alone. So, Seungri decided to leave their home and move to a different apartment while Jiyong was away.

That was probably the first mistake he made and certainly, not the last. Thinking back on this now, thinking back on what he did—on _all_ of what he did—God, he was so stupid. And he really wishes he could take it all back.

After he left their apartment, he decided to focus on his solo and his solo alone.

But the thing was, the more he put finishing touches to his songs, the more he missed him. The more the melodies were re-arranged and the more he re-wrote the lyrics, the more he wanted him to be with him. And so, he threw himself into more work. He was trying to do so much at once without stopping to think. He didn’t check his phone for messages from Jiyong or calls because he knew he wasn’t going to be getting them.

Instead, he focused on working.

He focused on running Aori, his ramen business—which was becoming more successful than what he originally thought it would be and he was starting to have a bit of trouble actually running it himself—he focused on his label, on his endorsements, on his nightclubs. He was working himself to the bone, so much so that he was constantly so tired and yet unable to sleep, unable to take a damn break.

Everything exhausted him.

Every single thing made him tired.

Every single place he went made him feel unpleasant.

And that’s where he met her.

Meeting her at that exact moment wasn’t ideal and it certainly wasn’t what he was expecting. It just happened. Saying that it just happened is a dumb thing to say, all things considered. It didn’t just happen, _he_ let it happen.

When he met her, he didn’t immediately want her and had her. It was just a thing that developed over the days, over the weeks, over the months. At first, Seungri didn’t pay much attention to her—he barely saw her.

But as he started getting busier, as he started being unable to take Jiyong’s calls or return his messages, as he started going days, weeks, without hearing from Jiyong and without being able to talk to him due to his busy schedule and Jiyong’s restricted phone availability, the hours stretched and he found himself seeing her constantly wherever he was, as if she was becoming some kind of fixture in his circle of friends.

The more he saw her, the more he talked to her.

The more he talked to her, the more he found himself feeling comfortable with her.

The more he found himself feeling comfortable with here, the more she was there.

Thinking back on it now, it was more of a proximity thing.

Seungri was used to not being with Jiyong twenty-four-seven. He was used to them going days without physically being together. He was used to them not seeing each other for weeks on end. He was used to not touching him, not hugging him, not feeling him. He was used to it, he really was, but the thing is—he wasn’t used to not being able to call him and get answer from him. He wasn’t used to texting him and his messages going unread for more than a couple of hours. He wasn’t used to not hearing his voice for more than a couple of hours.

Of course, he knows that their inevitable separation was just as hard on Jiyong as it was on him. He knows that if he was alone, so was Jiyong. If he was sad, so was Jiyong. If he felt miserable, so did Jiyong. If he needed Jiyong, Jiyong needed him.

He knows this, he really, really does.

And yet.

And yet.

And yet.

And.

Yet.

He was the one that failed them.

He was the one that risked what he had with Jiyong.

He was the one that gambled their future.

He was the one that sabotaged their relationship.

He was the one that broke them.

He knows this.

Jiyong knows this.

Yet, Jiyong is the one apologizing first.

“It must have been difficult on you,” Jiyong continues his voice barely a whisper and Seungri can imagine the position in which he is currently in.

Seungri imagines Jiyong sitting in some place in the dark, on the floor, hunched in on himself, one of his gentle hands holding his phone against his ear, while the other’s fingers rest across his forehead.

Seungri wishes he could be where he is, right there with him, right now.

He wishes he could hug him.

He wishes he could sooth him.

“But, Seungri-ah,” he hears him say and he can hear the lump in his throat, and he wishes he wasn’t the cause of it. “I was alone, too.”

He wishes he could fix this.

“I was lonely, too.”

He wishes he could fix them.

“I was missing you, too.”

He wishes he hadn’t hurt them.

“I was hurting, too.”

He wishes he could take all of this back.

“It was difficult for me, too.”

And he knows he can’t.

“I’m sorry,” he says without realizing that he’s said it.

Once he does though, his eyes fill with tears.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” he continues. “I’m sorry for lying to you. I’m sorry for betraying you, for betraying your trust. I’m so, so, sorry. I, I, fuck, I wish I could fix this. I wish I hadn’t done this. I wish, fuck, Jiyong, I wish you were here.”

He hears Jiyong’s sniffle, and Seungri’s hands tremble.

“Jiyong,” he says, his voice so hoarse. “I wish I hadn’t hurt you.”

Jiyong says nothing at first.

Their silence stretches.

They just stay there, hearing each other’s breathing.

Seungri isn’t thinking of anything right at that moment, he is focused on hearing Jiyong’s breathing, he is letting it sooth him, he is letting it wash away his shame, he is letting it creep up into his mind, he is letting it crawl under his skin.

“I,” Jiyong says after a couple more minutes, his voice barely audible. “I do, too.”

No matter the distance between them, the days they’d go without seeing each other, the hours they’d go without talking to each other, Seungri had never, _ever_ , betrayed Jiyong, his trust, their relationship. But after twelve years, here they were—here _he_ was, having done it.

“Did you,” Jiyong asks, his voice cracking. “With her?”

Seungri wants to tell him he didn’t.

He wants to tell him it never got to that point, he wants to tell him he didn’t touch a single hair on her head. He wants to tell him nothing happened. He wants to tell him the thought of touching her never crossed his mind.

But, he can’t.

He can’t because it isn’t true.

He did touch her.

He did kiss her.

He did.

But when he did, when it was over, he immediately wished he hadn’t. He immediately regretted it. He immediately wished he could erase it. He immediately left the hotel, and ran. He ran so far away, he ran as far as he could run, he ran trying to take it all back.

“Once,” he says, his voice shaking.

Silence.

That’s all he gets in response: silence.

It only stretches for a couple of seconds, but he immediately knows. He knows his actions— him having touched her— is destroying Jiyong.

“Did you—” Jiyong begins, but Seungri interrupts him almost immediately not wanting Jiyong to even think for a second that what he’s about to ask is remotely close to the truth.

“No,” he says quickly. “I didn’t. It happened once— _I_ let it happened once—and I wish it hadn’t.”

More silence.

And then, a small whine reaches Seungri’s ear and his heart shatters into a million pieces.

He had known it would hurt him.

He had known it would hurt them.

He had known he shouldn’t have started it.

“Do you,” Jiyong begins, his voice muffled and Seungri’s fingers tremble with an itch to be where he is, to touch him. “Do you, hm, do you still, still, lo—love me?”

Seungri doesn’t even have to think about it; he’s love for him was never gone, his devotion to him was never questioned. He loves him with every fiber of his being, with every single cell in his body, with every heartbeat, with every breath.

“Yes,” he says simply. “I will never stop.”

Jiyong half sighs, half chuckles. He sounds so wounded, so hurt and Seungri hates it, he hates himself for it.

“It did stop though, it stopped at the exact moment you touched her,” says Jiyong. “You say you still love me, and that you regret it, and I …I, hm, I want to believe you, I do. But, Seungri-ah, this…”

Seungri’s breathing catches, his heart drops, and he wishes not for the first time they weren’t miles apart.

He knows this changes everything.

He knows it does and yet, he still wants it all to remain the same.

“Are you,” he begins, but stops himself.

What is he going to ask him?

Are you going to let me go?

Are you going to end us right now?

Are you going to ask that I take all of my things from our house?

Are you going to replace me?

Are you going to forgive me?

_Please forgive me._

“I don’t know,” Jiyong answers all of his questions with three words.

Seungri nods in agreement because he doesn’t know if he would either if it were the other way around and if he were in Jiyong’s shoes.

He would hate it if it happened, he would forever blame himself, but he would understand if Jiyong didn’t want to forgive him, if Jiyong wasn’t willing to forgive him. He wouldn’t blame Jiyong if he asked him to never go back home, to pack all of his things, and to leave him alone.

“I love you,” Seungri tells him because it’s the truth, because even if he did screw up, he wants him to know that he loves him. He wants him to know that even if he forgot for five minutes, he will never, ever again. “So much, Jiyong. I’m so sorry.”

“Me too,” says Jiyong, his voice so soft, and it makes Seungri hurt even more because despite this, despite him having failed him, having failed them, Jiyong is still being soft, kind, loving, and understanding with Seungri the way he has always been.

Seungri hates himself so much for it.

“I’ve got to go,” Jiyong says. “back, to, yeah. I’ve got to go.”

“Wait,” Seungri says getting to his feet, and it feels as if he’s walking on glass. “Will you call me again? Will you let me see you when I go back to Korea? Will you, will you let me apologize in person?"

“I,” says Jiyong, stopping to clear his throat. “I, uh, need time.”

Seungri nods again, his heart coming to a complete stop.

He knew this was a possibility.

He knew this was something that could happen.

“Can you just,” begins Seungri. “Can you just …”

He drifts off, too much of a coward to finish his question.

Seungri hears him sigh, before he speaks again.

“I know,” Jiyong says. “I know you love me.”

Seungri can’t help but feel relieved because at least he knows.

“I’ll see you in December,” Jiyong says. “And happy birthday in advanced. Keep working hard. Stay warm.”

Jiyong hangs up the phone and Seungri keeps his on his ear minutes after.

Seungri fucked up.

He did the one thing he should have never done.

He did the one thing he himself isn’t sure he would forgive Jiyong for, if it were the other way around.

He did the one thing he never actually thought he would do.

He hurt Jiyong.

He betrayed his trust.

He was disloyal.

He broke his heart.

Seungri knows there might be no fixing, no going back to how it used to be —he feels it. He also knows that there might be no amending, there might be no forgiving, no second chances.

He knows that.

He is very well aware of it.

He is very aware that anything that happens between them from here on out will be his fault.

If Jiyong choses not to love him the way he used to, if he choses to let him go, if he choses to end it because of Seungri’s mistake, Seungri will complete understand.

But, even then, he won’t stop trying.

He won’t stop trying to get Jiyong to trust him again.

He isn’t going to stop trying get Jiyong to forgive him.

x__x


End file.
